I've been debating on writing about this for awhile... If you know me personally, this probably isn't new information for you, but if you don't, it obviously will be.
I want to have another child. Yes, I have my son and I love him to death and i'm sure that's some of why I want another; but just one is not enough for me. And yes, I have three step-daughters. However, they do not live with us, (they're on the other side of the country, actually) so yes they are my step-daughters, but they're not MY kids. Regardless, even if they lived with us, they have a mom already. They have that special relationship with someone.
Another thing is I want to have a child with my husband. He considers Gideon his own and will be adopting him when he returns from his deployment, and I think that's some of why he's been so hesitant about another child. He has four. I have one. Yes, I could deal if that's all I can have but I really don't want to. I LOVED being pregnant. I LOVED having a newborn. I want that again, and I don't think anyone can tell me i'm wrong for wanting that.
I'm sure people will argue, since my husband has four kids, the financial aspect of having another. Yes, we pay a fortune for these four kids. I know that, I get that. I don't want to be strapped for cash. But I do want another child. Look at the Duggars. Sure, now they have book deals and a t.v. show which i'm sure helps them to raise their growing brood, but they didn't always have that. They lived responsibly and were able to provide. Sure, the kids may not have had everything they wanted but they did have everything they needed and were well loved.
Being loved is what ultimately matters.
Even if you don't want to look at the Duggars because you may consider it extreme, i'm sure you know at least one or two families with five kids or more. Overall, I would say people have that many kids because they love their children, and love their family. Of course there's always exceptions to that statement and i'm not talking about the exceptions.
But back to me. I have one child. Sure, yes, i'm pushing my husband to have a fifth child, not a second, like me. But I cant help the desires that have been put in my heart. I have one child.
The thought of not having another child honestly breaks my heart.
Another thing, you may or may not know, which i've kinda of been talking as if you did know, my husband has had a vasectomy. Yes, I married him, knowing he couldn't have more kids. But once again, was I supposed to tell myself I couldn't fall in love with him because he couldn't? I didn't set out to love him and marry him. I simply moved in with a stranger because I needed a cheaper place to live. (Check out my life to Army wife story).
I know that "I" don't have infertility issues and I don't know if you could even say my husband does since he chose this, but I feel like a couple with them. I just know that I can't have a baby now. And that hurts.
My husband has gone back and forth on whether he wants another child, pretty much since I met him. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. I think he swings on the yes side more so just because he knows it really matters to me. With being deployed, he's firmly on the yes camp now.
We can't afford to have a vasectomy reversal done. We've looked into the military doing it. Everything out there says Tricare doesn't cover it though. After doing research online, which is ends up being mostly forums of people talking who have had it done, I figured out the trick. Tricare may not cover it but specific, select military hospitals do it on an space available basis.
Michael asked at Madigan in 2009 when we first got married and they told him that they didn't do it. Or at least that's what he told me at the time. He tried in Korea when we were there too, and the same thing. We moved back to Washington and I found one place online that was dated 2010 that stated Madigan did them. So not sure if it's a newer policy or what but they do them! I called and talked to someone in the urology department about it and unfortunately with Michael deploying during the summer, they wouldn't let him sign up. They want you to be with your spouse for 6 months after. Which personally, I find a little silly since it can take 3 months to a year before anything is working again if the surgery is successful. Calling in the winter/spring of 2012 I was told that there'd be a good chance if he was on the list, surgery would be in the summer (2012).
Now, with Michael returning home shortly, we're going to try again. I'm hoping, since we're kind of in the same time frame, just a year later, we'll still be looking at surgery this summer. I've been nervous that Madigan would stop doing the surgeries but so far it looks like they still do. I've also been nervous, as i'm not in my 20's anymore. I'll be 32 in May and obviously my window of having children is dwindling.
Is it wrong to want children? I don't think so but i'm sure others out there will disagree with me. Hopefully i'll be able to share my adventures with you in the next year and hopefully there will be an eventual happy ending to this sad part of my life. I would love to hear from anyone out there that has had any experience with this. How do you deal? Have you had surgery? I don't feel like I can join the infertility groups out there but I feel like I need the same support that those people do. I feel the same, regardless of the reason.
I want to have a child.